Learning to reach within: finding the strength to believe in me

When I was young, I’d go to bed every night in tears.

There wasn’t a week that went by when I didn’t think about ending my life.

What was wrong with me? All I wanted was a little happiness. To be loved and accepted. I couldn’t understand why no one understood me.

But, in spite of the pain and the sadness, there was a part of me that knew I would be ok. Amongst the tears was a spark of love and hope. I knew I had the strength within me to persevere. And that I had enough faith not simply to help myself, but other people too.

At that point, I made a promise that I would do what I could to make sure no one had to face pain alone, that where I could, I would bring hope.

In my 18th year, I went within and began to understand myself and my concept of reality. It was a journey of self-discovery which would go on into my 20s.

Then one day, out of nowhere…Bang!

“Mr Rajpal, your son, has two days”.

I’d been hit by a bus crossing the road and was rushed to intensive care suffering from a sub-acute brain haemorrhage and a fractured skull. Would my 21st year be my last?

I heard a voice from within whisper “We don’t give up.”

Three days later, the neurosurgeon stood beside my bed with my father, incredulous at my recovery.

I walked out of hospital and was able to rest at home while my fracture healed, and the swelling in my brain subsided. Within six weeks I was healed. But the experience left me wondering if I had somehow brought it upon myself.

Was I in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or did I manifest this reality? What if reality is a mirror of our thoughts and feelings. Had the negative, self-destructive thoughts I’d harboured for so long created a reality to end it all, once and for all?

By this point, I had become much more positive in my outlook and spent time working through what had driven these negative thoughts. But old habits die hard and I couldn’t change years of programming overnight. So, could it be possible that the hangover of a youth spent in sadness was still infecting my present?

As the years went on, I went ever deeper down the rabbit hole. I was so grateful to come across, so many beautiful people, books, and other resources to help me understand myself. But I still had so many limiting beliefs. Lack of confidence and an overwhelming sense of failure that I had not lived up to society’s expectations of what happiness and contentment should be.

2012 became a year I would never forget. True to my promise, I’d spent years doing what I could to be there for others. But it seemed that having this purpose engraved in me, had taken its toll.

I never expected people to do what I did. Simply knowing I could help them to smile was enough. I didn’t’ waste time thinking about what I needed. I had no regard for myself. And I put off the things I wanted because I believed I needed to save others. My last penny and every ounce of energy was spent doing that.

But deep down a part of me was asking “What about me?”

One night I’ll never forget, I had lit my candle as I’d do in my evening meditation. But instead of my usual thoughts of gratitude tears filled my eyes. I wished to end it all again.

They say be careful what you wish for, and in my experience it’s good advice because when our emotions are coupled with intense thoughts, we’re capable of creating a reality for better or for worse.

One year on from making that unforgettable wish I was again confronted by my mortality.

“I’m sorry, Mr Rajpal, you have stage three Hodgkins Lymphoma.”

The haematologist’s reaction was one of shock. At that moment, I made a choice.

I knew I had asked for this, so now I must deal with it.

“Ok, I’ll be fine.” I said.

I’d learned by then not react to things, but always to pause and then respond. The time I had spent understanding myself meant I knew that, no matter what, everything was working to my advantage, and things were as they ought to be. My worst thought at that moment was how I’d tell my family what had happened.

A week after my diagnosis, I was in for my first Chemotherapy Session. And for the next six months, I’d be under the care of the most beautiful angel and her team. Every session I went in for I could feel my body get weaker, but I kept smiling.

The more we worry and internalise negative thoughts, the more we do ourselves harm. I believe sickness can come from inside of us. So, I chose not to remember the bad. But instead to laugh and see all the things to be grateful of that year. Now I’m eight years in remission, and healthy as ever.

What my journey has taught me so far is that we all have a choice. We can become victims of circumstance or choose to own the circumstances of our existence. We spend our lives looking to others for the answers, for validation and self-worth. But what if the one with all the answers is you?

You’re not insignificant. You’re not another statistic, no matter what’s been said or done. You have the choice to rise up and reclaim your place in the stars. Choose to love and celebrate life as one big adventure. The more you can nourish the roots within; the more your journey can blossom.

I’ve felt the most profound pain and put myself through things I’d wish on no one, but I made it through and so can you. Whatever the pain, you’re not alone. You’re always loved.

I hope this message can find its way to you and remind you how truly wonderful you are.